


As the Mind Gives

by PhantomPhan16, VicenteValtieri



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-13
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-06-09 23:36:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15278694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhantomPhan16/pseuds/PhantomPhan16, https://archiveofourown.org/users/VicenteValtieri/pseuds/VicenteValtieri
Summary: Medic thinks himself to be truly going insane, losing his grasp on reality. Heavy tries to help him, and along the way secrets are revealed about their Medic that none ever expected.





	1. Chapter 1

When lightning hit the sky, sometimes it seemed as if it shattered the earth. Ludwig stared out as it rained down. He was on the hairy edge of the platform above the canyon. There was no railing. Nothing to keep him there. The sky was broken. Water was tumbling down.

He stared down into the abyss. It was becoming harder, through all the stress and strain, for him to see reality past the confines of the pieces of his own mind. Old wounds, old nightmares were returning after so many years since the war.

His mind was broken. His thoughts tumbled down, and he couldn't pick them up. They were lost to the abyss.

He was becoming a liability to himself and to his team. If he could no longer see reality, why bother staying? He stared down and raised a foot to take the step that would plunge him over the edge. It was after five. RESPAWN was off. This would be permanent.

"Doktor?" a gentle voice interrupted his reverie.

He whirled to see Heavy behind him. Mikhail, a killer like them all, with a soft spot for them all as well. He staggered, pinwheeling his arms as he tried to find his balance.

Heavy's arm shot out and pulled him back.

"Not safe for doktor on the edge. Doktor is soaked: Vill catch cold."

"... A cold is zhe least of mien vorries," he mumbled.

Heavy dragged him back inside.

"Vhat does doktor mean?"

"It does not matter."

"Doktor is sad. That makes Heavy sad and rest of team sad. Does matter."

He sighed.

"Mein freund,... I am losing my mind. My grasp on reality is... slipping avay."

"Place is hard on all. Doktor vill be all right."

"You don't understand! I am going INSANE!!! Literally!"

Heavy shook Medic gently and began speaking in Russian. It was both soothing and comforting, somehow pushing back together a few cracks. The rain seemed a little lighter.

"...Mind is strange place. Pyro, he does not see world as ve do, but is happy."

"I do not vant to live like zhat. Locked in mein own mind. It is... a bad place..."

"Then ve make mind better place."

The German seemed to shrink into himself.

"I do not know how."

"Heavy vill help. Ve find vay to see sunshine."

"Danke, my friend."

"Rain has stopped. Doktor should get dried."

"Ah yes. I... I should."

He hurried back inside, and Heavy went to find Engie.

"Engineer. Heavy has question."

"Shoot, big guy."

"How to fix broken mind?"

"If you're talkin' 'bout Pyro-"

"Not Pyro. Doktor. Heavy just stopped Doktor from jumping."

"Jumping? Like what? Jumping rope?"

The Russian shook his head.

"Off canyon platform."

"Heavy, suicide attempts are usually a sign of depression, not insanity, and it's not easy to fix. Did he say why?"

"Doktor says cannot see reality anymore."

"Huh. Well, I don't know what to say... Doc's the doctor. If anyone would know what to do, it would be him."

"But cannot ask Doktor to fix Doktor."

"Nope. That would just make him feel alone." Engie agreed. "Best not to mention this to anyone else either."

"Da. Heavy vill go check on Doktor. He vas soaked from rain."

Heavy found Ludwig in the showers, warming up under a hot shower. The Doctor yowled like a cat and yanked his towel over his waist. He never showered with the group.

"Heavy is sorry," the large man ducked away, "Vas looking for doktor."

"Vell you found me, dummkopf!"

"Is sorry!" Heavy was still turned away, "Does Doktor feel leetle better?"

"Ja, mein freund, I do."

"Good."

Heavy turned back when Ludwig had had time to get dressed.

He was in a pair of pants and a green sweater with a red pattern, toweling his hair. They had moved higher into the mountains, and it was winter, so the temperatures were rather cool.

Heavy handed him his comb, hovering slightly.

"Vhy is doktor's mind bad place?"

He sighed, "Many bad zthings happened to me... a long time ago. Now, as my mind breaks... zhey are resurfacing."

"Vhat helps?"

"Nozhing helps anymore. Music used to und Archimedes, but... nozhing helps now."

"Music helps maybe still? Maybe being played to sung to instead of playing?"

He gave a mirthless laugh, "Und vho vould play to me? Engie? Sniper?"

"Engineer is good friend. Vould play if asked. Und Heavy... Heavy can sing."

"You? You can sing? Forgive me, mein freund, if I find zhat hard to believe."

"Da, is true. Perhaps not good. Used to sing for sisters."

"Vell perhaps it is for zhe best if you do not vith me."

"Of course."

There was a twitch of amusement and a twitch of pain in his friend's face.

Ludwig sighed, "I do not mean offense, Mikhail."

"I know. Did not hurt Heavy's feelings. Big heart, thick skull."

"Ja. I vill... go rest now."

"Doktor should rest. Tired alvays. Not good."

He nodded and started up the stairs for the infirmary. Heavy watched him go and then turned away.

"Bah, stupid Mischa. Of course cannot sing." He muttered to himself.

"Having troubles, mon ami?" asked Spy as he melted into sight.

"Not Heavy's troubles."

"The good Doctor, oui?"

"Da. Doktor is sad."

"That is a rather simplified version, my friend."

"Vhat does Spy know?"

"I watch everyone, Heavy. What do I not know? The answer to that is this: I do not know where the good doctor went today. I do not know what he did or why he returned with you instead of alone."

"Heavy found Doktor about to jump off platform."

"That is... unexpected."

"How can Heavy help Doktor?"

"I am not a doctor, Heavy. I do not know everything, but I do know that our Medic should not be left alone while the Respawn is off from now on."

"Heavy vill stay vith him."

"Good, mon ami. Go on now."

Heavy nodded and turned away from Spy, following their doctor up to the infirmary. What should he say? If Doctor thought he was being watched, he might be defensive...

As he got close the low, haunting, sorrowful strains of the violin reached his ears. If Doctor was playing the violin, he couldn't hurt himself. Heavy settled outside to listen and try to get his thoughts straight.

There was emotion in the music, pain, sorrow,... desperation... and resignation. It was as if Ludwig was playing his very being into the notes, pouring it all into the music. It sounded like the last gasps of a dying man, and Heavy wished Ludwig would play something else.

At the same time, he couldn't close his ears or dare interrupt. He listened, his heart breaking for the man who would push away attempts to help. The man who feared his own mind more than he did the embrace of death.

Heavy laid his head in his hands. How was he to help the doctor? He was not a doctor. Not a scientist. He was a poet, a reader, and a man who loved his guns.

The music stuttered then came to a stop. He could not see beyond Medic sinking down against the wall, angry, bitter, and hopeless tears on his face.

The large Russian was not graceful or light on his feet, but he did have a soft step as he walked to Medic's side and pulled him into his arms. He jerked and feebly pushed at the big man with no real strength.

"Shh..." Heavy kept him close, "Vill be all right."

Ludwig collapsed against him, shaking. Archimedes fluttered down to land on his master's hand.

"Leetle bird loves Doktor." Heavy told Ludwig.

He said nothing, just sat there in the Russian's arms, his violin and bow sitting on either side of him.

"Doktor should be resting," Mikhail said and gently lifted him.

Medic did not protest as he was laid in bed and tucked in like a child.

"Vill stay until asleep."

He set his glasses aside and closed his tired, haunted sky-blue eyes. Heavy almost reached out to smooth his spit-curl back where it fell against his forehead but thought better of it and let him sleep.

He kept the infirmary doors and his door, thankful his bedroom was close, open. He woke to a piercing scream.


	2. Chapter 2

Immediately, he was up and moving. A Russian bear on the charge.

Medic was screaming, thrashing and writhing in his sleep. Spy came up the stairs at flying speeds as well.

Heavy took hold of his shoulders, "Doktor? Doktor, vake up!"

"Tu mir nicht weh. Ich bin keiner von ihnen."

"Vake up! Doktor vake up! Doktor is not hurting!"

He called out something quickly that sounded like names before waking up.

"Is Doktor all right?" Heavy questioned.

He looked around wildly like a frightened animal before his surroundings seemed to register and he calmed down.

"Are you aware, Doctor?" Spy questioned. "Do you know vhere you are?"

"Ja, Herr Spy. I know vhere I am."

"Good. You were having a terrible nightmare."

"I... zhey vere memories..."

"Of what?" Spy questioned.

Ludwig glared at him, "Vhat business is it of yours?"

"It causes you distress. Talking may help. If not to me, someone."

And Spy stalked out.

He growled in German and lay back down.

"Spy means vell."

"Perhaps. Gute Nacht."

"Good night, Doktor."

Medic did not fall asleep until dawn, and he did wake up he was face down in his pillow and drooling. What a nice start to his day. He jacked himself up and looked around. Mikhail had fallen asleep in the chair in the corner. Where were his glasses?

He felt around and finally located them, putting them on. He stretched and decided to head down to shower. Maybe that would help him wake up. He trudged down the stairs, tripping down the last one and then walked into the door.

"Whoa, not a morning person today, Doc?" asked a voice a he opened the door, rubbing his face.

"Ah, Herr Sniper. I'm sorry, I didn't realize anyvone vas here."

"Ah no worries. I'm almost done."

"I vill just come back la-" He broke off, eyes widened when he caught sight of the Australian's back, "Zhat tattoo... Vhere did you get it?"

"Huh? Dunno, had all me life. Uh, Doc, you okay? Yer shakin' like a leaf."

The doctor was stripping off one sleeve, something Sniper had never seen him do, and lifted a trembling arm. There was the same tattoo.

"The hell?!"

"In zhe camps zhey marked vith tattoo numbers for camp, doctor, und experiment."

"So what does that mean, doc?"

He swallowed what felt like a rock.

"Vhen I vas zhere I showed compassion to somevone I knew before zhe war, und was made an experiment for it. I van born a natural dual-gender, und they... did zhing to me, and vhile I vas zhere made me... bear zhree children. I vas given an hour vith zhem... before zhey vere taken avay from me."

Sniper stared at him.

"What are you saying, doc?"

"I am saying zhat... zhat you are vone of those children."

"Heh. Must be confused, doc. Ain't possible. I got parents."

"I am avare. A soldier must have smuggled you out. Tell me, do your parents have any pictures from your birth?"

Mundy froze. In all the pictures he was never a newborn.

"I take zhat as no."

"Now, look, Doc. I get it. We're all stressed out, and you are like some kind of den mother to all of us, but I got parents. I don't need another set," Sniper tried to gently let him down, "And hearin' that I'm a child of Nazi war crimes... I'll be honest, doc. I wish you had kept that under your hat."

"Ja. I... I'm sorry. I just... all zhese years I have vondered vhat happened to you und your brother und sister. At least... now I know vone of you is safe."

"Heh. For what that's worth," Sniper nodded to him.

There was a deep sadness in the doctor's blue eyes.

"To a mozher... zhat is everyzhing," he all but whispered as Sniper left the locker-room.

Heavy found Ludwig petting Archimedes at his desk.

"Doktor-"

"Go avay. RESPAWN is on, I vill be fine."

"Heavy does not just accompany doktor for just protection. Heavy enjoys company too."

"Und I do not vant company right now. Go avay!"

"...Sorry," Heavy retreated.

Ludwig sank back down into his chair and buried his face in his hands. Of course. Of course! He finds one of his children, after so long of thinking he had grieved and moved on. He finds one right under his damn nose with a life and parents and no need for him beyond being his medic. That was just his luck.

Archimedes rubbed his head under Medic's chin.

"Nein, mein vogel. Not now."

The dove cooed and flew out the door.

"You don't haf to leave..."

But his pet was gone. Archimedes flew around until he landed on a certain hat.

"Really? Yer gonna come pester me now?" Sniper reached up and petted Archimedes gently, "Want something?"

The little bird fluffed up at the attention, and he chuckled.

"Wot? Doc not spoilin' you enough?"

Archimedes cooed and rubbed against him.

"Spoiled rotten little bugger, aren't ya?"

The dove cooed shamelessly, and Sniper scratched his neck gently. It was soothing, petting the little bird and listening to his happy sounds.

"Why ain't ya with doc? Can't be easy on him right now. I mean... findin' out 'bout me and... me shuttin' him down like that... Yer not here to guilt-trip me are you?"

"Talking to the bird, bushman?"

"Spy, don't bloody sneak up on me!"

"You are being rather out of character. Talking to Archimedes is more of the good doctor's thing."

"Yeah, well, talkin’ to birds is good for the soul. Francis of Assisi and all that horse."

Spy blinked.

"I am not even going to dignify that by correcting you. You seem troubled... especially considering you just asked Archimedes if he was here to 'guilt trip' you."

"It's none of your business, Spy."

"I make such things my business, mon ami. Surely you know that by now after these years of working together."

"Well, maybe sometimes you shouldn't know some things. Maybe they're private and I want to be left alone about them."

Spy came in and sat down.

"You are troubled, my friend. Come now. Secrets are my trade, but this seems to be bothering you more than you let on."

"...What are you supposed to do when you learn that a big part of your life is a lie?"

"Well it depends. In what way?"

"What if you learned that a family member wasn't really family? Like they was a stand-in for someone else?"

"Like adoption. Is that why you're upset?"

"I didn't know, Spy,” he sighed, "Thing is... well..."

"You biological parents are alive... aren't they?"

"One of them is. Doesn't matter about the other, he's a bastard anyway."

"That is... rather sure of you."

"Yeah, I'm certain, given that the other one was a bloody Nazi."

"Merde."

"Yeah."

"And the other?"

He sighed, "... Medic."

Spy bit his cigarette in half. He spit the half out.

"What?"

"Apparently when they made him have three kids and took 'em all from him. I was one of them."

"But Medic is-"

"Said he's a dual-gender, Spook."

"I did not expect that..."

"How do you think I feel about it then?"

"My friend, if I were you, I would be terribly confused."

"I am! I don't know what to do or even feel, Spook!"

"Take some time. Think. Go shoot at targets. When you feel better, come back."

He sighed, "Yeah I guess. Mind takin' this little bugger back to the doc?"

"Not at all. Come, Archimedes."

The bird pecked Sniper's fingers the flew to Spy's shoulder, cooing for more attention.

"You really are spoiled."

The dove puffed up smugly and Sniper took his rifle outside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tu mir nicht weh. Ich bin keiner von ihnen- Don't hurt me. I am not one of them


	3. Chapter 3

Spy found Medic tinkering on what he assumed to be a new medigun... though if he was honest it just looked like a pile of junk.

"Vat is los?" Medic looked up.

"I've brought Archimedes back, doctor."

"Danke."

Medic let out a whistle and summoned his bird.

"What are you working on, my friend?"

"Nozhing. Just seeing vhat comes out, even if all it's good for is picking it up und hitting somevone vith it."

"Keeping your hands busy is a good thing."

"Ja. Did you need somezhing, Herr Spy?"

"Archimedes was bothering Sniper. He went out to shoot at targets, so I brought him back.”

"Archimedes! Please give Herr Sniper mein apologies."

"I think he understands. Archimedes has a mind of his own."

"Zhat he does, silly bird."

The little dove nestled into his master's hair with a happy sound.

"Ja, ja, mutter loves you, too."

Spy left him alone, having much to think on.

Ludwig had no idea he dozed off until Mikhail woke him.

"Doctor was sleeping," Mikhail greeted him when he came back to himself with some gentle nudging.

He sat up from his desk, smacking his face against the desk lamp.

"Ah! Verdammt!"

"Is Doktor okay?"

Heavy picked up his glasses from where they had fallen.

"Fine. Vhat time is it?"

"Before dinner. Is doktor hungry? It's Engineer's turn to cook."

He hadn't eaten since breakfast. He just hadn't felt hungry or really wanted to eat.

"...I don't vant anyzhing, Heavy. I am just tired."

"But Doktor must eat. Keep up strength."

"Nein. No zhank you."

"...Heavy is not hungry either."

The German sighed, "Mikhail-"

"Doktor," Mikhail met his blue eyes.

The tiredness he saw in them was heart breaking. There was no fight left in this man.

"Doktor needs food as much as Mikhail. Must fight tomorrow."

"Very vell. I vill eat."

Mikhail gently placed a large hand on Medic's shoulder. He led the German downstairs to eat. Engineer was serving up platters of ribs.

"Put some meat on your bones, y'all."

Ludwig looked sickened for a moment, and Spy and Sniper had a feeling he was remembering possibly someone else saying that at a time when he may have been only skin and bones.

"Come on and sit down." Engie turned his compassionate smile on the doctor.

"Danke," he said quietly and sat down, accepting a plate.

Engie slapped on some extra potatoes for him. Heavy took a double helping of everything and began chowing down. Medic ate much slower and wouldn't look at Sniper. Sniper, for his part, had finished eating. He nodded to Engie and left. Ludwig sighed softly.

Mikhail looked over at Ludwig and addressed him in his fractured German, //Sniper and Medic argue?"

"Nein, it is... nozhing."

//Is upsetting Doktor.//

"I am fine."

//...Not Heavy's business...//

"Nein it is not."

Heavy turned back to his ribs, occasionally glancing back at Medic, concerned. Ludwig ate only about half his food before pushing the plate away.

Engie looked over, scratching his head. Normally, Medic put away his ribs like Heavy. Heck, that was why he had made them today, after yesterday. Well he knew you didn't get over almost committing suicide in one day. He put plastic wrap over the place and stuck it in the fridge as Medic disappeared outside.

"Well he can finish later if he wants."

Heavy stood up, "...I go after Doktor."

He found Ludwig sitting outside on the platform, staring up at the sky. Better than down at the ground to see where he might land.

"Many stars tonight," Heavy sat beside him.

He sighed, "I am not going to jump.... it would give me time to regret it."

"...Da?"

"If I jumped there would be a few second before I hit the ground, time to regret jumping. ... I don't vant to regret it."

"Regret is good thing now."

He buried his face in his hands.

"I'm so tired of regret. I'm so tired of... of not knowing vhere I am vhen if I do not open my eyes right avay vhen I vake up."

"...Nightmares not mean Doktor is losing mind. Horrors never leave us. Sometimes they flare up. Sometimes they go avay."

"Vhy can't you just le me go?"

Heavy said something in Russian, willing the suffering Doctor to understand. He didn't have the english words to describe what he meant.

//We can live with honor, dignity, pride, but we cannot die that way. Death is always ugly, and brutal, and it will never be fitting for you, Doctor. Never.//

Ludwig looked at him, clutching his head, digging his nails into his scalp.

"Vhy? Vhy does it hurt less... vhen you are near? Vhy does zhe past seem farzher avay?"

Heavy placed a gentle hand on Medic's side, "I do not know."

He slumped against the Russian.

"Vhat is zhere for me? I haf no vone."

"Vhat is Heavy? Chopped organs?"

"You haf a family, mein freund. Mine... is gone."

"My family is grown. They do not need bossy old Mischa."

There was a bitter laugh from the German.

"Ja, I know zhe feeling. I... I am a dual-gender, Mikhail, und vhen I showed compassion to someone in a camp that I knew... I became an experiment zhere."

"Did not know Doktor was in camp. Camps terrible place."

He nodded, shuddering, and Heavy pulled him closer.

"Zhey made me haf zhree children,.... und zhey took all zhree avay from me."

Once again, English failed Mikhail. He responded in Russian.

/I will never understand the horrors you have been through, but I do not see them break you. You are stronger than I have ever been. If spirit were physical strength, you would wield two guns like Sascha./

"I vish I could understand you, my friend."

"I vish could speak right in English."

"I haf spent over zhirty years vondering vhat happened to zhem,.... und zhen I found vone."

"...You found one?" Heavy listened.

He nodded, "... Sniper."

"How did know?"

He rolled up his sleeve and showed the tattoo.

"We haf zhe same marks. Only mein kinder und I had zhis mark. He is zhe right age to be my first... my Nicholas."

"Vhat about others?"

"...I shudder to zhink, mein freund. It vould be too much to ask zhat zhere vas more zhan one officer of conscience in Aushwitz, but... knowing at least vone vas saved... it's better... I vas given an hour vith each of my babies. Zhen zhey vere taken avay from me."

"Doktor must miss them. Must be terrible - " In frustration, he broke into Russian again. //The love of a mother for their child is a great and terrible thing. You are a man of passions, my friend, and I love you for it. There is never a day you do not think about your lost children, is there?//

Ludwig nodded, "I do miss zhem, und now... even zhough I haf found vone... he is grown und root in a family vith parents. He does not need nor vant me."

//Sniper is shocked. He has learned something that has shaken him to the core. Give him time. The call of blood is often stronger than first realized.//

"Zhe abyss is not so scary, mein freund. I do not fear deazh," he said softly.

//You have been staring into the abyss all your life, my friend. You have come to understand it.//

"How I vish I could understand you."

He was relaxing more, almost being lulled to sleep.

//I wish you could understand too. This English is not good. I do not like using it.//

Ludwig closed his eyes.

"Perhaps... you vould teach me," he mumbled, slipping closer and closer to sleep, a safe, welcomed sleep.

"Mischa would be glad to try."

"Danke..."

He lost to the pull of a warm, sheltering sleep with the protective presence of his friend at his side.

Cloaked nearby, Spy watched, having heard every word, and the Medic's heart-wrenched confession. He nodded to himself and turned. His cloaking time was running out, but he made it away from their sight before it did.


	4. Chapter 4

Heavy carefully gathered Medic up into his arms and started inside with him.

"How's the doc?"

Sniper was waiting at the door.

Heavy stopped, searching for the right words, "Doktor is... lost."

Should he tell Sniper that Ludwig had nearly jumped the other night?

"It's okay, big guy. I know enough to tell some things." Sniper chewed on his cigarette butt. "I have good eyes.

He sighed, "Doktor tried to jump off platform other night."

"...That one I didn't know."

"Da. Doktor... Doktor think he is going insane."

"Hmm. Well, if you ask me, that describes all of us."

He nodded and looked down at the sleeping German. With his story was it any wonder Medic was the way he was?

"Get Doc inside and in bed. Then, come up to the Nest if you wanna talk. I can dig up some Vodka."

"Doktor should not be alone vhen RESPAWN is off."

"So, get Spook to watch him for a bit. You can't make yourself his keeper. You'll just be dragged down too. He wouldn't want that."

"Da."

Spy was willing enough and was soon keeping watch over the sleeping Medic, and Mikhail made his way to the Nest where Sniper waited.

Sniper was taking pot-shots at some of the rabbits, but not really trying to hit them. He only hunted when Scout was around to race out and retrieve the animals.

"I take it Doc told ya?"

"Told Heavy what?"

"C'mon, big guy. I ain't dumb. Told ya 'bout me and him being... ya know."

"Da. Doktor is Sniper's mother."

"Yeah well... I got a Mum already, one I grew up with."

"...Doktor does not vant to replace Sniper's Mum. Vants a part of Sniper's life. Has been through much."

Mundy sighed, "I know he has, big guy, but it ain't that easy."

"Vhy? Sniper is adult. Doktor is adult. Can... Hang up?"

"Hang up? You mean hang out?"

"Is vord? Da, I think so."

"Look, it's just... weird. I mean until this morning he was the crazy doc who experimented on but kept us alive and shot syringes at the BLUs. Now suddenly... he's me birth-mum."

"Da. Mischa understands. Is hard to bring the two together. But Doktor needs Sniper."

"Just... give me time, mate. It's a lot to process."

"Doktor may not have time."

"You make it sound like he's got cancer, mate. He should be okay if he's not alone... right?"

Mikhail bowed his head.

"...Doktor has been alone too long. Thinks he goes insane. Vants it to be over."

"You think he's gonna try again to off himself?"

The Russian nodded.

"Said vanted no time to regret."

"God..." Sniper looked away, "What should I do?"

He stared out the window. Medic was... Medic. He thought the guy already was insane, but to hear that Medic himself thought it was happening... that he WANTED to die... Medic... was his mother. Like it or not it was the truth.

"...Medic is sad. Lost brother and sister. Needs Sniper. Does not vant to baby him. Vants to know him."

He sighed.

"All right, all right."

He got up and headed for the infirmary. Spy was up at once when he heard the door.

"It's just me, Spook."

"Good," Spy sat back down, continuing to play his game of Solitaire, "If you're here, I can cease this insipid game."

"Losin' to yourself? Yeah I'm here to keep watch."

"Gin?" Sniper suggested, dealing out a hand.

"No thanks. If I'm keepin' watch I want to be alert."

He sat down and looked over at Medic. Ludwig was fast asleep, thankfully. His hair was slightly tousled, his glasses were on his nightstand, and his expression... at first Sniper couldn't place it. Then, he realized it was longing.

"What do you reckon goes on in that head?"

"Most days I think it's best we don't know, mon ami."

"And the days you don't think that?"

"I think he is lonely and has had to learn to like it."

"I... can't imagine that."

"Not many can, my friend. Not to the extent I think the doctor had endured."

"...It's not going to happen again," Sniper murmured quietly beneath his breath.

"And how will you make that happen, bushman? In four years we all go our separate ways."

"...I'll take him back to Australia with me if I have to. If he doesn't have plans."

"And your parents?"

"They'll get used to it."

"Well I wouldn't spring this on them, my friend."

"Spook, why do you suddenly care so much?"

"I have always cared. I just didn't say it out loud."

"So, you just gonna sit here all night even though I'm here with him now?"

"Rather protective all of the sudden, aren't you?"

"He's my Mum!"

Spy smirked, "Indeed, he is, mon ami, and you finally say it."

Sniper looked away, and Spy rose.

"No matter your father or the reason behind your birth, my friend, your mother loves you. He never stopped, even when he did not know your fate."

With that the Frenchman left like he had never been there in the first place.

Sniper tossed himself down in his chair.

"...I know that."

Ludwig stirred.

"Mmm? Nicholas?" he mumbled, and Sniper wasn't sure if he was dreaming or awake, though his eyes were partly open for a brief moment.

"Go back to sleep, Mum," he replied, "You need your rest."

He rolled over.

"Mama is sorry."

Dreaming then... he hoped.

"Nothing to be sorry for.” he murmured.

When he sat up Sniper hesitated. Was Medic dreaming? Did he think he was dreaming? Or was he just opening up?

"I couldn't protect you, couldn't keep you from being taken avay."

"You didn't have a choice," Sniper replied, trying to peer into Medic's hazy eyes, "They would have just tied you up and taken me anyway."

Blue eyes flitted to meet his own. Medic was, without a doubt, awake.

"It vould be easier if you hated me. Zhen perhaps... it vould not hurt so much."

"Heh. Never been much for hate."

His mother looked out the window.

"Bad luck. I lose you... only to find you again vhen you do not need me. Grown und vith parents of your own."

"Yeah, well... Love ain't a bucket. Love's a river. Mum taught me that."

"She taught you well. Better zhan I could have."

"Differently than you could have."

They lapsed into silence for a long moment.

"You vere impatient... to come into zhe vorld."

"How so?"

Ludwig chuckled and looked at him finally.

"You decided zhat you did not vant to vaint anozher two veeks for your due date or for zhe morning. Nein. You vanted to come at ten o' clock at night."

"Sounds like me," Sniper admitted.

"Ja. You vere born just before dawn, at 4:46 March 23, 1941. So impatient to come and zhen you vent right to sleep."

"...I bet. Mum always said I slept like a rock."

"You get zhat from me."

His smile faded.

"Zhey did not tell me zhey vere going to take you. You voke up after about fifteen minutes hungry, so you nursed, und ve bonded. After an hour four guards came in und pulled you from my arms. Vhen I tried to take you back one hit me vith his rifle."

Sniper made a soft, angry noise.

"I could hear you screaming, but... I could not get you. I did not see you again after zhat, not until ve met to vork here. I zhought... I zhought zhey had killed you."

"Let's be honest. If it weren't for a bit of luck, they would have."

"One of zhe soldiers must have smuggled you out of zhe camp. I do not know vhat happened to your sister. ...I know Erik is dead. He vas born premature and dying. He died in my arms, my poor baby. He lived an hour und tvelve minutes."

"...I'm so sorry, Mum. No one should have to see that."

Medic gasped quietly at being called that. He looked away from his son again.

"You should rest, Mum," Sniper told him.

"I do not vant to sleep. .... I do not vant to dream."

"...Maybe you'll have a good dream this time. I'm here, ain't I?"

"... Perhaps..."

The broken list was back, the quiet resignation. Now he could see it, could see what had Heavy and Spy so on edge, so worried.

"Easy, Mum. It'll be fine. Nightmares flare up and fade. 's how it is."

He lay down, facing away from Sniper.

"Ja... it is..."

"I'll be right here," Sniper promised.

"Danke,... mein sonne."

He drifted back to sleep. Sniper leaned against the wall and flipped his hat down, keeping an eye on his mother.


	5. Light in the Dark

Ludwig woke and found Nicholas sleeping in the chair beside him. The nightmares that haunted him faded down slightly behind his blue eyes.

Noe he felt empy, alone, and useless. What was he beyond this role of medic? Who was he? His son did not need him. His daughter was still unknown. His team had no idea what was happening, and even if they did what could they do?

He sat up, feet pressing against the floor, and took Nicholas's hat and sunglasses off his head, laying them on the night stand. He pressed a kiss to the scruffy, brown hair.

"Ich liebe dich mein Sohn," he whispered. Moving into the infirmary he made a rope of guaze and tied, looping it over mounted Medigun and tying the end to the bolted down table. He brought over a chair, stood on it, and prepared himself.

If he had done this right, and he knew he had, he would only have a few seconds before he blacked out. Almost no time at all.

He slipped his head through, took a breath, and stepped off the chair. Sniper woke to Archimedes flying directly into his face, screeching like the poor bird was being murdered.

"What is it you bloody beast?!" He swatted at the crazy bird.

His hate and glasses were on the nightstand... and Ludwig wasn't in bed. "Mum?" He hurried into the examination room, and there he swore his head stopped.

"Mum!" He cried out and pulled out his kukri, slicing through the braided gauze.

Medic fell into his arms, and Mundy loosed the noose and pulled it off. "Mum? Mum!" He began frantically doing CPR. "No no no! Please! Mum, wake up!"

Ludwig began coughing after two rounds and opened his blue eyes. "...Nicholas...? Nein, bitte... Ich will gehen..."

Sniper yanked him close, hugging him tight. "Oh thank God! Dammit, Mum! Don't scare me like that! This is just about you goin; or stayin'. It's about the people you leave behind. Do you have any idea how scared I was when I found you?"

"You don't need me, Nicholas. I vant to be vith Ilse und Erik." Ludwig began sobbing. "No vone really needs me."

"'Course I need you, Mum. You may not have raised me but you're still my mother. Besides, who's gonna look after us out here, tell us to take it easy, stop smokin', stop drinkin' to eat more', and all the things you do. Mum, you DO matter. I know you're scared and hurtin'. We'll get ye help, I promise. Even if I have to quit and get you help myself. You're not alone anymore, and you won't be ever again if I have anything to say about it."

With a slight strain in his muscular back, Sniper lifted his Mother from the floor. "And Mum and Dad will love you. Even if they don't, I don't care what they say. I'll be here. I'll take care of you. Nicholas Mundy doesn't sound so bad, does it?"

His eyes widened, and Sniper smiled. "It's gonna be okay, Mum. We'll get through this. I ain't leaving ya, not in four years not in forty years."

Ludwig hugged his eldest son and Mundy hugged him back. For the first time in a long time, Ludwig began to feel there might be hope in the world.


	6. Epilogue

Four years later he was sleeping in the passenger seat of his son's trunk as Sniper drove for his adoptive parent's home. He now called Ludwig 'Ma' so if he said Mum he wouldn't have both mothers answering and getting confused. He had also legally taken the name Nicholas to embraced his birthname. He glanced over at his sleeping mother and smiled softly. "Not long now, Ma."

Ludwig muttered softly and turned over, his sleeve pulling up slightly to reveal the first, black number there.

He pulled into the driveway and gently shook the German. "Ma? Wake up, we're here."

"Mmm?" The doctor lifted his head and sat up. "Danke, mein Liebe." He stretched carefully.

Sniper honked the horn and hopped out. As Ludwig got out the door opened, and his son's adoptive parents came out to greet them.

"Mundy!" His mum flew down the steps to embrace him. "You're home!"

He laughed. "Hi, Mum." He had told them he changed his name but didn't want to force them to call him Nicholas. "Mum, Dad, this is Johann Ludwig, my Ma I told you about."

Johann stood slightly off to the back, rubbing one wrist that had had bandages wrapped around it from a recent "incident." He was nowhere near healed, but he was getting better. "Hallo."

"It's so nice to meet you, Johann. I'm Ellen, and this is my husband, Paul. Please come in. You must be tired from your flight and the change in timezones. Not mention the heat. Are you hungry?" Mundy chuckled. "Slow down, Mum. It's... a lot to take in," he said, gently taking Medic's hand and pulling away from the bandages. "C'mon, Ma. See? I told you they'd love you."

Johann nodded. "Dankeshon. I vould like somezhing to drink."

He was led in to a cool, cozy, very safe feeling home. Sniper had already found him a therapist, and he felt like healing was within reach.


End file.
